[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
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In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
happy mother’s day❤️
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
🤯🤯🤯
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit