Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meowchelangelo

Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.

[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”

i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings

I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then

on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.

#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes

[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”