[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
You Might Also Like
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
got so much cardio in today
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!