Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!

Me: Please dont

Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins

Me: This is never flattering please just shut up

Friend: Look, I took a picture

Me: Man this is an old tire full of water

Friend: You guys are identical!

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

I don’t know what to do

i choose….tongue

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.

When you don’t understand how floors work

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.

I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.

Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’

Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’

Cashier: ‘Eh?’

My dog after a walk in the woods.

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

“Australia is the smallest planet”

– first day of school already paying off

Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.