[sees my pet ant crawl into the room where my wife and I are arguing] we can’t do this in front of her
You Might Also Like
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Breaking news:
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
my favorite gender
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety