Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.

Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role

You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.

ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

good for her

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.