*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
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Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
you could not pay me to delete this app
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die