[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
You Might Also Like
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
👍
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.