Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.

*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.

*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

*date night*

Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!

Me: …omelettes 🙁

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me

doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
 
me: omg why god whyy
 
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
 
me: wait, i’m not dying?

doc: whoa there, hold your horses

My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.

Me [aghast]: My child?

ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others