[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
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Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
