Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

All I want for Christmas is my gross pay

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan

Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

You are what you delete.

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

me: [waking from coma] how long was I out

doc: two years, but I have terrible news

me: what

doc: it’s still March

wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

me: you look thinner

friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh

me: meat

friend: what

me: what

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

I bet birds love this building.

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist

MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.