Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”

Her: I <3 you.

Me: I… I sideways balls you too.

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School

Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0

IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

Me: I love these lazy Sundays.

Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.