Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

Great Canadian literature.

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…

The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning

[commercial for kinder eggs]

are you tired of mean eggs

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

Me: I’ll have a medium coffee

Barista: That’ll be $3.95

Me: With a splash of almond milk

Barista: That’ll be $17.95

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.

No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.

You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

interviewer: how did u hear about us

me: *sweating* w-with my ears