Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.

That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…

[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure

mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans

Good morning.

Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

The enema of your enema is your friend!

~ Autocorrect wisdom

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”

Executioner: any last words

Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what

Executioner: what?

Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.

Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:

Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino