*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
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My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
seems like a niche market
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
imagine u running from the police at night and yo sketchers start lighting up
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out