Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

[GOP Debate]

MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?

CRUZ: what?

MODERATOR: I knew it!

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.

My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

So that’s what we looked like?

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

when you miss your boat so you have to take the train

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids

Me: it’ll be me

5yo: eh, probably not

My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium

My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training