*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
You Might Also Like
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.