Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple

[later]

my bully brad: you’re stupid

me: where is your place of worship

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

Just got a haircut.

Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and

Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?

Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.

Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

Her: come on over

Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe

Her: but I’m alone

Me: aren’t we all

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?