Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

[at the auto parts store]

Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler

Counter Guy: What size engine

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom

Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.

The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream