*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
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Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.