*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
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The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Knock Knock
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.