Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy

“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

At urgent care with my 8yo

Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.

😆

(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)

HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd