[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
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Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…