Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Why are you going in circles???

Me: I’m buffering!!!

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

What’s the opposite of irony?

Crinkly.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.

Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough

Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life

Wife: Yes of course!

Medium: He has something to say to you

Wife: omg go on

Medium: woof

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

the way this pissed me off… 😭

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji