@hippieswordfish

*sees red lobster commercial*
oh shit that looks good
*goes to red lobster*
what the absolute hell happened in here

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@meghaffer

Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint

@dumbbeezie

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

@BoogTweets

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

@thesulk

Whenever teachers say ‘show your work’, just write a bunch of numbers down and hope they’re tired that night.

@isabelzawtun

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

@NewDadNotes

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]

@LoneWolfStories

Damn you autocorrect for making me look like an idiom. Always trying to make a tool out of me.

@willhallcomedy

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

@ericsshadow

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

@FlyJ_

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!