Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
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I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Where is your GOD now????
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*