Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

Tony Hawk, age 6

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

Stranger danger is a very real thing.

They nearly always react badly to proposals.

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

“our sushi is very fresh”