Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

👍

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

What legos do when we’re not looking.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

drew a comic about my origin story

Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.

The most precious boy

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

My daily affirmation

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?

AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.