[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
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Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Happy Star Wars day!
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…