[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
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Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
You look like you would fail a DNA test
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……