*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
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me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
12. I think about this all the damn time
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce