Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

my dog: LEMME OUT

me: you gonna bark?

dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT

me: what things?

dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT

me: you don’t need to bark at the wind

dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night

Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

Choosing the correct font is crucial…

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”

“You mean a shotgun”

“No not yet”

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79

*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*

Hotels are back

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?

I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.