Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

[invention of history]

Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

I get distracted pretty eas

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.