[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
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It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?