Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.

M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.

M: I BROKE A NAIL!

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.

Just go around me, man.

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly

this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?

Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.

The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight

Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?