Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
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A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough