Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
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Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend