(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

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I’m not being creepy but i can see thru my binoculars that your family portrait is hanging crooked on your wall


My son wants to change his given Indian name, so I told Broken Condom he could change it if he really wants to. Kid’s these days…


[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?


Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously


In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.


When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch


My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife to him as the lesser of two evils.


People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.


wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them