I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
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“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Dating in your thirties is fun because you get to tell strangers intimate parts of your past to help them decide that you’re staying single.
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony