@wolfpupy

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

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@vulcan_kelly

I’m not being creepy but i can see thru my binoculars that your family portrait is hanging crooked on your wall

@chopper4jk

My son wants to change his given Indian name, so I told Broken Condom he could change it if he really wants to. Kid’s these days…

@rockymomax

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

@misfarber

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

@pro_worrier_

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

@weinerdog4life

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

@NJPsychDoc

My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife to him as the lesser of two evils.

@stevevsninjas

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them