@wolfpupy

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

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@captainkalvis

*uptown funk comes on*

Guy: honey this HAS to be our first dance at our wedding

Honey: lol I’m made by bees

@Kyle_Lippert

Me: Hey. Nice Honda.

Him: It’s an Acura.

Me: All Asian cars look alike.

Him: You’re racist.

Me: I bet your Toyota is good at math.

@kathypifer1

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

@chapel3929

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

@ThisOneSayz

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

@bigmacher

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

@farouq_yahaya

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “