*uptown funk comes on*
Guy: honey this HAS to be our first dance at our wedding
Honey: lol I’m made by bees
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
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Me: Hey. Nice Honda.
Him: It’s an Acura.
Me: All Asian cars look alike.
Him: You’re racist.
Me: I bet your Toyota is good at math.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
[christmas lights are being put up]
Every moth ever: oh hell yeah
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
*orders large pizza*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “