(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
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*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Good Morning.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I thought this was funny lol
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?