(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

You Might Also Like


*uptown funk comes on*

Guy: honey this HAS to be our first dance at our wedding

Honey: lol I’m made by bees


Me: Hey. Nice Honda.

Him: It’s an Acura.

Me: All Asian cars look alike.

Him: You’re racist.

Me: I bet your Toyota is good at math.


Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.


Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat


*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.


“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”


I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “