Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.

I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.

@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

Hi everyone,
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drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.

It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.