(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
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If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”