Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths

*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*

Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”

Do not levitate over flowers

👀

i finally quit drinking for good

now i drink for evil

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

*grilled cheese

cheese: i want a lawyer

Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.

Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

Don’t you dare flirt with me.

Yet.

Okay now.