*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
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*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why