*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
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Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
That 👊
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.