6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
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me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
2 years later
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.