[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
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The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
*lost my marbles*
Weighs myself
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
If they made Dracula swallow a grenade would that kill him or is it still just a hard “only wooden stakes/the sun” rule
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.