Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.

Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try