*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
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A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
You can’t rush stupid.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew