*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
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I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
“You’d better run, egg!”
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Breaking news:
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills