[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
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Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?