Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

Bees: why are all the humans disappearing

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

What number SPF blocks people?

“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge

and now we wait

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”

Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

i hope my email finds you on fire

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified