Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:

1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

Them: What’s your writing process like?

Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.

My writing process:

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up

“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.

Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.

They’re stuck in your pants?

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.