Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂

“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory

#LunchPun #RateMyPun

What I said: Brush your teeth.

What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.

It’s 2035:

By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…

*pizza dough plops on head*

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?

my heart: yes and also start eating better?

my brian: do whta yuo liek.

me: love you, brian.

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee

A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.

[texting]

So what’s your name?

“ily”

omg this is moving too fast.

ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are

Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep