Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.

-Everyone at my job.

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer

Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text

[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.

Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression

Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-

Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*

My foot: I’LL GET IT

My brain: NO YOU IDIOT

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…