Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

Okay, I’m still confused…

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

My life is fraught with reality

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

My dog: PLAY WITH ME!

Me: *grabs toy*

My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby