*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
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I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?