*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
You Might Also Like
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Good morning!
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.