Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
*Sees thing on floor
*Vacuums over said thing
*Vacuum cant pick it up
*Picks up thing
*Looks at it
*Puts it back on the floor to vacuum
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I just want to be one of those dads who runs on the field & tackles an opposing 6 year old
How do trees access the internet?
They log in
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
[At the magic store]
Me: I need to return this – you told me it would ward off evil spirits in my home and it didn’t work.
Employee: oh my goodness, are you ok?
Me: I guess, but I cast the spell and then the kids just walked in from school like normal.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
4. Dancing in public
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.