How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
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Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am