@CaniacMONK

*Sees thing on floor

*Vacuums over said thing

*Vacuum cant pick it up

*Picks up thing

*Looks at it

*Puts it back on the floor to vacuum

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@velvettusk

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

@briangaar

I just want to be one of those dads who runs on the field & tackles an opposing 6 year old

@robfee

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

@Divergentmama

[At the magic store]

Me: I need to return this – you told me it would ward off evil spirits in my home and it didn’t work.

Employee: oh my goodness, are you ok?

Me: I guess, but I cast the spell and then the kids just walked in from school like normal.

@ThugRaccoons

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

@Reverend_Scott

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

@RyDoon

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

@KimmyMonte

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.