*Sees thing on floor

*Vacuums over said thing

*Vacuum cant pick it up

*Picks up thing

*Looks at it

*Puts it back on the floor to vacuum

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Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?

Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.


Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…


“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.


Me: please tell me my future, madame

Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’

Me: awesome

Palm reader: in sharpie

Me: yeah

Palm reader: you’re going to die alone


Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*


My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can’t remember to flush the toilet


Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….


You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.


Me: I’m really into stereotypes.