big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
*Sees thing on floor
*Vacuums over said thing
*Vacuum cant pick it up
*Picks up thing
*Looks at it
*Puts it back on the floor to vacuum
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Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Palm reader: in sharpie
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can’t remember to flush the toilet
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.