[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
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[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.