Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is one of the best videos to ever exist.

ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina

me: how did he die?

him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants

me: a parade

him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral

incredible book dedication

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?

Me: Absolutely!

Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?

Me: Absolutely!

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.

ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button

ADVISOR: why

ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it

INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness

Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?

Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.

Waiter: And how did you find the wine?

Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table

A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways