Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

[Wine tasting]

Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?

— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

Texting random numbers “It’s done.”

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble