Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

Put a ring on it

Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩

Coworker: …

Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?

We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.

“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.

Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

* Gets fired *

Well….my job is done here.

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

“The Perfect Relationship”

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.