*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
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I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.