Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sweet dreams💖

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”

Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

seashell: [holding me to its ear]

me: [making city noises]

establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me

The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer