*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
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“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.