Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir

me: I’m not a giraffe

waiter: I know I’m just telling you

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

😆

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

🤣

Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life

iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing

And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.

me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval

date: that seems like a lot

me: parking garage actually

date: what

me: what

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass

Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?

Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you

Scientist: too late

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.