Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gym]

Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.

Me: oh

6: what’s 3+1?

Me: 4

6: noooo it’s 3

Me: 3+1 is 4

6: nooooo it’s 3

Me:

6: the 1 is silent

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?

If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

I’m sure it’s fine.

Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]

[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice

Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?