Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A dating app for angry people- Grumble

You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.

Wooden Horsie 🐴

Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

Me: Dear Santa…

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.

Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!

Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

me: having a blended family is challenging

person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?

me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.

[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”