…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
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New tinder profile pic
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Morning.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.