Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

Him: You need to be more active in your community.

My Community: NOOOOO!!!!

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

Very problematic

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?

MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?

Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?

Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

Wicked was really good except for the 1 year intermission I don’t need that long to go to the bathroom

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.