Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?

Me: …a daughter.

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.

PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever

my dog: chomp, chomp

me: hey what’s in your mouth

my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.

Thursday

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!

~Poprah

Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!

Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

[Party]

Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody

Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.