Seismologists are loyal to a fault
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Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.