Seismologists are loyal to a fault
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m’lady
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Our lord and savoury.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird