Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?

Me:

Her: when’s my birthday Kyle

Me:

Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”

They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.

Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

My god she’s good.

Now, where’s the sport in that?

My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty