Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
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*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
This why you should mind your business
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Rooting for the overdog
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
much to think about
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…