When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
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I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”