Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error

man: hey do you take walk-ins

cremator: excuse me what

doing some research

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?

kinda fun if literal: earwigs

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately

“What’s wrong with our country?”

OBAMA!

“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”

OBAMA!

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.

Me: *cautiously taps*

Cashier: Not against my forehead.

I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.