Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
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5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.