Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

ME: wow look at all these hotties

FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

My bad habits got renewed for another season.

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

My wife is hilarious

We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email

She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*