Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
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I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit